


The Circus

by Marzi



Category: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Genre: Character Study, Friendship, Gen, Harry Lives, Post-Film, TInker Tailer Solider Spy Fusion
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-24
Updated: 2015-05-02
Packaged: 2018-03-25 11:53:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3809422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marzi/pseuds/Marzi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Harry's body fails to be recovered at the church site in Kentucky, the Kingsmen are faced with the possibility of his survival; and Eggsy learns that this wasn't the first bullet Harry took to the head.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

"What d'you mean you can't find him?"

 

Roxy's face immediately shadowed with concern, and she looked away from the briefing towards Eggsy.

 

"Exactly that." Merlin did little to try and hide the displeasure on his face. Not only due to the news he was bringing, but because of how quickly his new agents were showing their inexperience.

 

The holograms around the table shifted, a few incapable of hiding their surprise at such a raw outburst. Percival was the only other agent physically present, and he kept his eyes trained ahead. Hopefully he would have a word with Lancelot later about keeping things more professional. Which meant speaking to Eggsy fell to Merlin.

 

"Galahad's body was not amongst the other casualties at the morgue from the church site. A review of the footage shows his link to the network was disconnected after emergency responders arrived. So far I have been unable to locate his body in any of the surrounding morgues."

 

The clarification did little to temper Eggsy's anger and confusion. He had done well in taking down Valentine, but now that the clean up of the so called 'V-Day' was underway, things were falling apart. What had happened to him, and his mentor, was finally catching up. It wasn't the first time he had snapped at someone since coming home, but it was the first time he had done it in front of the whole agency.

 

 _"Have you checked hospital records for John Does?"_ Gawain's image stuttered a moment before his pixels resumed their fluid shimmer as he looked down at files on his table. _"I'd hate to get anyone's hopes up, but he has survived this before."_ He looked back up, meeting Merlin's eyes. _"We should know better than to count him out."_

 

"What? Getting shot in the fuckin' head?" Eggsy's eyes went to Roxy's own surprised face before jumping to Merlin.

 

They weren't the only agents to show shock. Merlin felt his cheek twinge as he grimaced. Sometimes he disliked being reminded of how long he had been with the agency.

 

"I expanded the search last night, but so far, nothing."

 

 _"Was Arthur's toast premature? Are we not to submit new candidates for the position of Galahad?"_ Kay leaned back from the table, hands dropping into his lap.

 

Dagonet gestured his hand down the table, arm swaying almost drunkenly. His body language had been the loosest out of all of them, but then again, he always had a way of appearing bored with whatever the current situation was. _"I thought it was agreed, Unwin is the new Galahad."_

 

Pellinore tapped his pen at he edge of his folder. _"Are we really going to appoint the person who killed Arthur?"_

 

Dissent spread across the table, murmurs picking up, but it was all cut off by Roxy's sharp voice.

 

"Have you forgotten what Arthur had done? What he planned to do?" She took her time looking every agent in the face, including Merlin. "After Valentine spoke to him, did he inform any of you? Try to save you?"

 

He had not, and even if they had agreed to the same madness, their heads would have popped off along with the majority of the world leaders', as well as a surprising number of celebrities.

 

"He betrayed and abandoned us. Is that the kind of man you want to defend? Over the man who saved your lives, and the lives of countless men, women, and children on this planet?"

 

Eggsy had been subdued with all of them at the sharpness of her words, but a tiny smile was quick to pick itself up on the corner of his mouth. He looked back around the table, almost smirking. "Yeah, not to mention, he was trying to kill me at the time. Self-defense."

 

Roxy's rather efficient chastisement was quickly undercut with his words.

 

"Semantics aside." Merlin picked up in the silence that followed. "Gary Unwin is a member of this organization now, whether or not he has a codename and sits at this table. His particular position and appointment was another matter to discuss at this meeting."

 

 _"Harry put the boy forward for a reason, and need I remind any of you that only Percival's candidate outstripped him?"_ Gawain spared Lancelot a polite smile. _"We do not have the time or resources currently to train someone new, and we are still vacant a seat. I say we let him take on the title."_

 

“Let's put it to a vote, shall we?”

 

Merlin tried not to smile at the sudden queasy look on Eggsy's face. He might have already considered himself a member of the organization, but seeing it happen officially right before his eyes was clearly enough to rattle him.

 

-

 

“That went well.”

 

“That was well?” Eggsy was slumped in his chair, head lolling to the side. He hardly looked the part of someone who had just been granted a seat at the Kingsman table. His previous times in one no doubt had worn down the importance.

 

“Extremely.” Merlin agreed with Roxy. Internal matters were hardly ever resolved after just one table meeting. The aftermath of the signal and their near destruction had left them all a little rattled, and much more malleable to reason.

 

Percival was frowning, disquieted, still in his seat from the meeting. Roxy picked up on her mentor's mood, losing her relaxed posture.

 

“What is it?”

 

He looked up at the sound of her voice, but turned to Merlin. His skin prickled at the look on his face, having a fairly good guess as to what was on his mind.

 

“Harry's disappearance is troubling. I had hoped they would be more concerned.”

 

Merlin didn't have time to agree with him.

 

“Concerned? That lot?” Eggsy pushed himself up from his chair. “The way they talked about him, he might as well have been nothin'.”

 

“Just because we do not express our emotions so baldly does not mean we do not have them.” Percival nudged his glasses up the bridge of his nose. He was one of the few Kingsman who actually required spectacles. “Merlin, I want to be assigned to tracking him down, even if it is just to bring a body home. Not recovering James' remains was bad enough, we don't need another empty coffin.”

 

Kingsman coffins were normally only empty if the body was too badly damaged to be properly buried. Having one of their own truly vanish without a trace was a rarity in the modern age. Not being able to recover James had been a particular blow, especially when images of his stitched together corpse had started showing up in intelligence circles. They still hadn't found where Valentine kept his body.

 

“I appreciate the sentiment Percival, but I need you here. Downing Street is too unstable to be left unattended.”

 

“Very well.” He stood and gathered up his jacket and tablet. “If that is all that is required of me, I will return to London at once.”

 

Roxy followed her mentor to the door to share a few quiet words with him, but knew better than to leave without a dismissal. Eggsy spared them a glance before moving to Merlin's side.

 

“You're sending me.”

 

“I beg your pardon?”

 

“To find Harry. You're sending me.”

 

Manners it seemed, were something he only affected when it amused him. “No, I am not.”

 

“What?”

 

“Lancelot is going to America to discover what happened. You're staying here.”

 

He was so shocked Merlin was able to step around him and the table before he was back on his heels.

 

“C'mon Merlin, that's not fair. Harry was-”

 

He whirled around and Eggsy stopped short of running into him. “Your mentor, yes, I am aware. And your several month acquaintance has irrevocably changed your life, but I knew him for thirty-three years, Eggsy.” Merlin stopped himself short, cursing himself for letting that number slip. It wouldn't take much digging to realize those years outstripped their time as Kingsmen. “It would do you some good to realize that you are not the only person who has lost someone.”

 

Roxy was standing at attention when he turned back to face her, and any concern she might have felt for Eggsy was carefully tucked away.

 

“There's a dossier waiting for you on the jet.”

 

She nodded and he looked over his shoulder to where Eggsy still stood, body language not quite matched with the neutral expression he had pasted on his face.

 

“Galahad.”

 

It took him a moment to respond, those syllables still someone else in his mind. His chin jerked up and his eyes took a moment to focus before he could look Merlin in the eye.

 

“With me.”

 

-

 

“Who was it?”

 

Eggsy's arms were full of equipment, as Merlin had him hauling empty circuit-board for the security upgrade. They still did not know how Valentine had tracked Harry back to the shop, and after the chat Arthur had had with the man, Merlin was determined that certain areas no longer went unsupervised. He had assistants who could help him, but he needed to exhaust and distract Eggsy, and this was the best way to do it while being able to keep an eye on him.

 

“Who?”

 

“That other bloke, he said Harry survived being shot before.”

 

“Gawain.” Who was probably on his way to being voted the next Arthur, so he supposed it wasn't a terrible thing that Eggsy didn't bother to remember his name. “Harry has survived being shot many times.”

 

“Yeah, but he said this situation. How did he survive last time?” He set down his armload and moved to gather the next.

 

“He got lucky. The bullet entered his cheek, shattered his jaw, and exited beneath his skull at the top of the neck, missing the spine.” Merlin sighed. “You don't need to be getting your hopes up.”

 

“I'm not.”

 

His moment of sulking proved otherwise. Merlin turned back to his half-completed motherboard, but didn't get a chance to start any work.

 

“I just want to know, is all.”

 

“Why?” Merlin adjusted the frames of his glasses, bringing up the schematic he had laid out on the computer. He actually had a chance of getting the physical work done today, as long as Eggsy did not prove to be too much of a distraction. “So you can kill him?”

 

Silence.

 

“It wouldn't change the fact that he had already been shot. You aren't planning on tracking down every person who ever hurt him, are you? Because I assure you, it is a very long list.” Even accounting for the dead, it would take a whole other lifetime to find and kill them all.

 

“No.” He went to the next bin of equipment, and began sorting it out how had Merlin told him to. “It's just, if he survived so much, why couldn't he- never mind.”

 

Merlin shut off the schematic and turned in his chair so he could watch Eggsy without straining his neck. “It's all right to be angry with him.”

 

“What?”

 

“It's all right to be mad. Why did he walk out those doors, why didn't he exit through a window, why didn't he hide in the church and make them come to him.” They were the thoughts that haunted Merlin the moment he had time to slow down and think. “It's all right to be angry.”

 

From the look on Eggsy's face, he hadn't even considered most of those possibilities. “Are you saying it's his fault that he's dead?”

 

“No. I'm saying don't feel guilty if you blame him. For a little while, at least.” Death and grieving were always a tricky business, made no easier by their work.

 

Eggsy had stopped sorting equipment, and was just staring at the parts he had in his hands. “Did you blame him? For the last time he got shot in the head?”

 

“For a little while.” Bitterly, for years, but considering the span of their friendship, it was hardly a blink.

 

“And what about the man who did it?”

 

“Eventually. Harry helped me move past it.”

 

“Harry?” Eggsy looked up. “He didn't want who shot him dead? Or did he just want to do it himself?”

 

“I don't think so. He's had plenty of opportunities over the years.” Merlin used to think of it, hate himself for thinking it, then call himself a fool for doubting it as a possibility, then the whole cycle would start again.

 

“He's still out there?”

 

“Yes. Would it change much if he were dead?” He leaned back in his chair, folding his hands in his lap. “You've already killed Valentine. What more revenge could you want?”

 

Eggsy shook his head, fingers plucking absently at the object in his hands. “It's not about revenge, it's about keeping people safe.”

 

“I'll bear that in mind.”

 

“Why wouldn't the Kingsman go after him?” The confusion, the anger, was written all over his face as he looked Merlin in the eye. “Why would they let one of their own get shot, and do nothing about it?”

 

“Because it was on orders.”

 

“What?”

 

“I shot him.”

 

Eggsy shook his head. “You're taking the piss.”

 

“No.”

 

“You shot Harry?”

 

Merlin took off his glasses, folding them and setting them on his workstation. It seemed like he wouldn't be getting as much work done today as he had hoped. “Yes.”

 

Eggsy dropped the equipment in his hands, taking a step towards him before stopping himself. “All that shit you lot peddle about teamwork, it's a big fucking joke, innit?” His fists shook at his sides, and when Merlin didn't respond, he barreled ahead with his words. “You pit us against each other, tell us to shoot our fucking dogs, lie to us about our fucking parachutes and who knows what else. And you, you shoot your fucking friend in the head, and you tell me this organization is worth it. You and Harry, so fucking proud of this place. Then Arthur knocked all that shit down, that old bastard was just the start of it, wasn't he? Is there anything in this damn place that's worth it?”

 

Merlin bit back his sigh, also curbing what no doubt would have been an ill received _finished?_ “That is a question you're going to have to answer yourself. I think we're done for the day. Why don't you go home?”

 

“No.” He shook his head, the petulant expression he had worn during his training returning. He was reverting back to _Eggsy vs. the Posh Bastards._

 

“Excuse me?” Merlin stayed seated, unimpressed.

 

“You don't tell me to go home. Not after that.”

 

“You think I'm going to answer all your questions?”

 

“Yeah.” He took another step forward.

 

“Are you threatening me, Eggsy?”

 

“Yeah, you know what, I think I am.”

 

Merlin stood up.


	2. Chapter 2

“I don't suppose you need me to tell you how foolish that was?”

 

Eggsy groaned, not interested in being awake, let alone getting a lecture. Merlin didn't seem to care much about what he wanted though, as the back of the bed he was laid up in started to rise. He shifted under the blankets, wrinkling his nose at the strong anti-septic smell, forcing his eyelids open and finding himself in the medical wing. Merlin was at his side, hand on the bed controls.

 

“What'd you do that for?”

 

“You shouldn't be sitting up on your own. You took quite a beating.”

 

“You cheated.”

 

Merlin didn't respond to that, looking down at the tablet he had in his hand. Eggsy had another retort, about old men needing walkers, or in this case souped up wristwatches, to do their battles for them; but the silence prompted the same from him. He had expected Merlin to defend himself, what he hadn't expected was for the man to so actively fight back.

 

What was it he had said? Thirty-three years? Yeah, Eggsy wasn't the only one who had lost someone, he also wasn't the only one who was a little bit angry.

 

He tugged at the heart monitor clipped to his finger, eyes focusing on the wall above Merlin's shoulder. “Anyway, if I'm supposed to be restin', what are you doing here?”

 

“I thought you would want to stay apprised of Lancelot's investigation.”

 

Was Merlin feeling guilty about their little scrape? That was the only explanation Eggsy could come up with. Not that he was complaining, mind. “And? She found something?”

 

“A paper trail.”

 

“Why hadn't you found it?” A little petulant, but Eggsy was pretty sure the man had cracked one of his ribs. A few barbs were worth whatever unimpressed look could be sent his way.

 

“With most hospitals flooded after the signal, a lot of paperwork failed to make it into the system.”

 

“An actual paper trail?”

 

“Yes.”

 

Eggsy huffed, not slamming his head against the pillow because he was pretty sure it would hurt more than help. “That's it?”

 

“Not quite.”

 

He jerked up from the bed, and his arm quickly hugged his body in reaction to the pain. “Fuck Merlin, remind me never to threaten you again.”

 

“I would hope your current state would serve as enough of a reminder.”

 

Eggsy looked over to see a glass of water with a straw being offered to him. Now he definitely knew the man was feeling guilty. He took the cup gratefully, sucking on the straw greedily. He emptied half of it before he opened his mouth again. “Now what was that about 'not quite'?”

 

“The records she found were for a patient matching Harry's description and injuries. He was moved to another hospital when the one he was in was inundated with patients after the signal.”

 

“If they moved him-”

 

“He was stable enough for transport, yes.”

 

Eggsy grinned, straw still sticking out of his mouth. “He's alive. You wouldn't be tellin' me this unless you were sure, you aren't that much of a bastard.”

 

The corner of his lip twitched. “Lancelot went into the hospital's security cameras. She confirmed Harry was in their ICU.”

 

Eggsy kept grinning because he couldn't laugh without it hurting like a bitch. “All right Harry.” Two bullets to the head over the course of his life and still breathing. He had to be the luckiest man alive.

 

“Unfortunately, his charts traveled with him. We can't confirm anything about his condition other than that he was alive three days ago.”

 

The news wasn't enough to sour Eggsy's mood, and he happily sucked on his straw. Roxy would bring him home, and everything would work out. He was _Harry Hart,_ if his relatively short acquaintance with the man had taught him anything, it was that nothing could keep him down.

 

-

 

As it turned out, Merlin had only managed to bruise a couple of Eggsy's ribs, so he was out of the medical wing by the next morning. The only reason they held him overnight was because they weren't sure if it was the dart Merlin shot him with, or a concussion that had knocked him out so long.

 

Eggsy's chest fucking _ached_ but he marched down the halls of HQ with his back straight and his head held high. Everyone knew about his disastrous bout with Merlin, though he doubted anyone knew why it had happened. News of Harry's survival had spread, but no murmurs laid underneath about the last bullet he took to the head. Eggsy wished he could remember who the fuck it was that brought it up at the meeting, that way he could go and ask them. Merlin had been somewhat forthcoming on the topic, but considering Eggsy had attacked him shortly after, his odds of receiving full-disclosure again seemed fairly minimal.

 

Still, Eggsy was nothing if not stubborn, and he needed to check in and see if Roxy had reported anything new on her search anyway. Hospital scouring after a major disaster was apparently a very time consuming process.

 

He knocked but didn't wait before entering the office. Merlin looked over but quickly turned back to his monitors.

 

Eggsy stuffed his hands into his pockets. “You ignoring me now?”

 

“I'm busy.”

 

Mission feeds weren't up in front of him, but lines and lines of code. “You hackin' into the Matrix?”

 

“I'm building a new firewall for our upgraded security systems.”

 

Hearing Merlin through an earpiece as he provided technical support in the midst of a gunfight had tied his work into something adrenaline pumping in Eggsy's brain. Seeing him work outside of the field was honestly a little boring. Was this what he really did all day? At least in the lab he had all the gadgets laying around, sprucing the place up a bit. The office was a little too stark for Eggsy's taste.

 

“You hear anything from Rox?” It was best to jump right to it. Merlin could probably politely ignore him all day, or not so politely, as it suited.

 

“Lancelot's next scheduled check-in isn't for another three hours.”

 

“Right. Okay then.” Surely if she found him she would eschew the normal check-in time and just tell them. Eggsy tried not to let his disappointment pull him off track. Harry was coming back. He just had to wait.

 

Merlin continued typing.

 

“So.”

 

The sound of the keyboard didn't even falter.

 

“Just wanted to say... I'm sorry.”

 

The silence very nearly made Eggsy grin. Merlin might not have been talking, but it felt very much like he had just stunned him into silence. A notable feat, he was sure.

 

Eggsy didn't really think of himself as a violent person. Capable of it, yes, but when it came to problems it was not the first tool he elected to use. He was a shield, not a weapon at heart. There had been some comfort in that last conversation with Harry, when he said that Kingsmen only condoned the taking of a life in defense of others. It was an ideal Eggsy could live by. If the organization could just come up with a better way of testing things out than by telling its agents to shoot their fucking dogs, which really, how was that defending anyone, Eggsy would have passed with flying colors.

 

Which was why, in the end, he was embarrassed about what happened between him and Merlin. Sure, a little bit of it came from getting the crap beat out of him- Eggsy was sure he could win in a fair fight, damn it, the sedative dart was not  _the fastest way to keep him from hurting himself_ as he pushed past his limits- no matter what Merlin said. Mostly it was because he had turned so readily towards violence in a situation that didn't call for it.

 

“For yesterday. I didn't mean to do what I did. Well, I did, I just didn't mean to. The way I did it, I mean.” He brought his hand out of his pocket and scratched the back of his head, staring at the floor. Not the most articulate thing to ever come out of his mouth, but most of his apologies in the past were half-mumbled _I'm sorry_ s to his mum while he couldn't look her in the eye.

 

“It's understandable.”

 

He looked up to see Merlin turned in his chair, facing him.

 

“I also... regret, what happened. You were upset and it was a situation neither of us should have engaged in.”

 

Yeah, Eggsy had been upset, but so had Merlin. He decided not to press that point. “You caught me off guard.”

 

“That wasn't my intention.”

 

“I know it's just.... You and Rox, you were what was left, after Harry.” And sure, his mum and his sis, but they wouldn't know, couldn't know, about what he was doing. “Hearing you say you shot him, even if it was ages ago...” He trailed off again. It was worse than seeing the scar on Arthur's neck, because Merlin had his trust, his respect.

 

“That isn't something I can apologize to you for, Eggsy. It happened between Harry and I, and we've moved past it.”

 

He nodded. None of his business, right. He could mostly agree with that. “Right. But... when someone tells you do that, when a job says shoot your fucking dog, or...”  _Shoot a fucking friend._ “...someone you know. What is it about that job that makes it worth it?”

 

“You asked me the same thing yesterday, if I recall correctly.”

 

“Maybe I did.” Honestly, it was a bit difficult to remember all of what he had yelled at Merlin.

 

“My answer is still the same.”

 

“Figure it out myself?”

 

“It isn't a puzzle, Eggsy.”

 

Well, it sure as hell felt like one. “Right, yeah.”

 

When he didn't immediately leave, Merlin filled the silence. “Was there something else?”

 

“Will you tell me what happened?”

 

“Another time, Eggsy.” He looked lost in thought a moment, readjusting his glasses as he came back to himself. “Now, I have work to do.” He turned back to his monitors then, the clack of the keyboard picking back up.

 

A dismissal he was much more willing to accept than the last one, Eggsy turned and exited the office. He checked his watch as he entered the hall, trying not to let the slow tick of the second hand annoy him too much. Three hours. That wasn't that long.

 

-

 

Roxy had floated above the clouds in something that looked like it belonged in an old Doctor Who episode, and somehow a clipboard was scaring her.

 

The clipboard happened to be the medical chart for one Harry Hart, previously assumed KIA Kingsman agent. Reading it would tell Roxy whether or not she would be reporting to Merlin with good news, or crushing everyone's hopes of seeing the former Galahad return. She worried particularly for Eggsy, who had looked up to the man. The phrase _don't shoot the messenger_ came to mind, and though she didn't believe she would be blamed if the prognosis was dire, she did not want to be tainted by association in bearing the news.

 

Eggsy was her best friend, though she wasn't sure he knew it.

 

When Gareth- _Percival,_ had offered her the chance to become a Kingsman, she hadn't fully known what it meant. Telling her family she had gotten accepted into some obscure program and would be gone for a few months hadn't been difficult. Honestly, it had been a little frightening to realize how easily she had left her life behind. Her siblings had barely tried to keep in touch with her during her absence, and it wasn't as if she had an abundance of people she spent time with. _People she spent time with._ God, she couldn't even lie in her own thoughts and call them friends.

 

She had instructors across all kinds of fields, which her parents so blandly called hobbies, and they all spoke to her with warm regards and hopes to her future. They had been the only close people she had in her life, if one judged closeness by time spent together and the passing on of skills.

 

Training to become a Kingsman had finally given her the opportunity to make ties with people. When she had pushed back against Charlie and the others, taking a definite side in being a decent human being towards Eggsy, it was one of the first times Roxy had let herself be something other than neutral. She had always been the peacekeeper between her older sister and younger brother, and the delicate balance she brokered between them meant she could never become particularly close to either.

 

Even knowing their training would end with only one of the them left, Roxy had committed everything she could in being a better human with Eggsy. It was perhaps more accurate to say he was her only friend, but his support of her during their time as candidates made her think of their relationship as more than just a result of limited numbers.

 

Gaining the Lancelot title had been bittersweet, made all the more so by the near genocide of the human race.

 

Eggsy had saved them though, and as her friend and now colleague, she didn't want to be forced to repay him by telling him his mentor really wasn't coming home.

 

Roxy tapped the corner of her glasses before lifting the clipboard, wanting to be able to review the chart later without having to go through the trouble of stealing it. She closed her eyes a moment after making sure she was recording, needing to take a breath to steel herself before reading.

 

The trajectory of the bullet had taken it through his cheek, taking out a fair number of his teeth before essentially obliterating his left parotid gland when exiting. She flickered through the pages, skimming past the drug cocktail he was on. There had been no dangerous brain bleeds or swelling. A minor infection was under control. His jaw was wired shut. A stab wound had been treated on his right shoulder. He had two cracked ribs. He had been brought out of his medically induced coma yesterday. Lucid and responsive, in the way a man with a wired jaw could be, according to the notes.

 

Roxy looked up from the foot of the hospital bed, finding a pair of patient, brown eyes that had been waiting for her to notice.

 

Harry Hart was not only alive and awake, he was healing. She could bring him home.

 


	3. Chapter 3

Merlin didn't think of himself as a coward. He had done too much in his life to measure it by fears, and considering what he did for a living, retreat was normally the more viable option. Reconnaissance was his main game, not assault. His life was frequently in jeopardy, though death was hardly a terrifying component to life in his eyes. _Coward_ wasn't really what came to mind when he defined himself. He didn't think others associated it with him either.

 

Still, when Lancelot called to arrange transport for Harry, something inside of him shifted. He didn't look at the feed from her glasses, taking her words, and her transmission of the man's chart, as evidence of his return. Harry could not speak, and there was a sickening kind of relief at that, which had him questioning himself. Merlin hadn't even offered his voice to the man, letting him hear a more familiar hello than the one offered from the new agent in front of him.

 

They were lucky Lancelot knew sign language, though she was somewhat rusty. Her phrases were a little too short when communicating what Harry was saying, as brevity wasn't his strong suit. Of course, Merlin could always just open the feed and...

 

...but he didn't.

 

He told Lancelot _Get him home_ and went to find Eggsy. The new Galahad probably wouldn't have cared if he had gotten the news remotely, as long as he got it. Merlin wanted the time a walk would provide him in order to think.

 

He was not afraid of speaking to Harry. When he put himself in the scenario of seeing him again, it was not fear that made his heart pound. He was resistant to it though, every thought in his mind twisting and grasping and desperate to stay away. He did not want to see him because...

 

...because he was  _angry._

 

That anger could be subsided, a simple answer to a thorny question, but that was where his new found cowardice kicked in. Merlin was not sure he could manage hearing an answer that was not the one he wanted. He did not think he could face Harry and not get what he needed from him.

 

Wasn't there some kind of decency in not putting that burden on an injured man? The last time he had taken his rage to him in a situation like this- well, he'd shot him. And for the truth no less, the very kind of answer he had been most desperate for in his younger years, and the most poorly equipped to deal with. Somehow the Kingsmen had seen potential in that. Somehow he and Harry had repaired the damage honesty could inflict on people in the world of espionage. Somehow they had both been forgiven.

 

But those slow, painful years of getting to that point, to rebuilding themselves and who they were to each other, he couldn't do it all over again. He wouldn't make it through a whole man a second time. Two more bullets in the back would be preferable.

 

Maybe he could abandon the situation and just retire, take up a teaching post out in the middle of nowhere. French. He liked French, though his Scottish brogue did not. It could be a learning experience for him as well as the students.

 

“Merlin?”

 

Eggsy was frowning at him. Damn. How long had he been standing there?

 

“Is somethin' goin' on?”

 

“She found him.”

 

-

 

Eggsy looked good in his suit. His wide grin warranted mirroring, but with the bandage on his face and his jaw wired, Harry could only manage a small smile. His eyes roved past his protege on the monitor, surprised that Merlin wasn't supervising the call.

 

“Don't worry Harry, I'm keeping your seat warm for you.”

 

He gave a slow blink to Eggsy, letting him know the sentiment was appreciated. Roxy had left him with a keyboard so her somewhat limited translation skills were not needed. She had also wanted to give them some kind of privacy, even knowing the whole conversation was being recorded to a server somewhere.

 

His near death had left him in a precarious position, and he wasn't willing to assume anything, but Harry was fairly sure he would not be getting the Galahad title back. A different generation needed to be at the table anyway, having both Roxy and Eggsy serving as Kingsmen could only do the organization good.

 

Still, there were some faces he did want to see. Where was Merlin? His hand twitched on the keys, but he did not type. He had heard Roxy speaking with him earlier, relaying Harry's personal report of his condition as well as requesting extraction, and knew he had survived the calamity.

 

“Of course, maybe you'll be after the big chair.”

 

Big chair? Valentine's defeat had not been without its loses, then. Arthur was gone. That could account for Merlin's silence. Getting a new Arthur in place would be tricky, and it was always possible they had lost other members as well.

 

_How many did we lose?_

 

Eggsy's eyes skimmed the bottom of the screen as he read Harry's message. “I thought- God Harry, I'm sorry.”

 

_That many?_

 

“What? No! Just Arthur, but...” He scratched the back of his head. “He was a traitor Harry. Joined up with Valentine, tried to poison me after offerin' to put me up as a candidate. I thought... I dun' know why I thought... Roxy could've- but I guess you're hearin' it from me. Sorry.”

 

Gone. And not in the last stand against Valentine. He needed to rethink the 'we' Roxy had mentioned when she said the man who had shot him had been taken care of.

 

“Sorry, didn't mean to just say it like that, thought you knew. Guess I'm doin' a lot of apologizin'.”

 

_For what?_

 

“Oh, er yeah. Things around here, you know. It was weird, with you gone, when we...”

 

When they thought he was dead.

 

“I got upset, as Merlin put it.”

 

Harry closed his eyes and sighed.

 

“And I know our last words weren't the best Harry-”

 

He typed out _It's all right,_ but Eggsy wasn't reading the monitor.

 

“-and I cocked it up bad, but I'm going to make it up to you.”

 

Going to? He had prevented one of the worst calamities in human history and he still felt like he had to prove something? Had he been so harsh?

 

_You need to do no such thing. I'm proud of you._

 

Eggsy finally read the monitor, and if he had been the blushing type, Harry was sure he would have been doing just that. He stared at the words on his screen, probably not even realizing that he was smiling.

 

“Thank you, Harry.” When he looked him in the eye, he forced his smile into a grin as tears started to gather in his eyes. “I'll still appreciate it when I can actually hear you say it.”

 

_The first words once I am able, I promise._

 

-

 

Merlin had sequestered himself down in the lab when Eggsy came looking for him. The young agent had cleaned up somewhat, but his eyes still held a faint redness that told Merlin he had been crying earlier. His video call with Harry had been emotional, then. Which meant he had been right in deciding not to be there when the feed had been established. He was not being a coward, he was being polite.

 

He and Harry would have plenty to talk about when he landed. There had been no need for him to take up any of the time he clearly needed with his candidate.

 

“Roxy said they might be arriving sooner than they thought. Headwinds, or somethin'.”

 

“Very well.”

 

Eggsy was frowning at him. “You don't seem happy about him coming back.”

 

Merlin tried not to close his eyes and sigh. His and Eggsy's private conversations had not been the easiest of experiences over the past few days, and he was not interested in having another part of his life poked and prodded by the young man. “Galahad, unless you have something else you need to report, I suggest you return to your work.”

 

At least he was getting better about understanding boundaries. Eggsy took a step towards the door before he stopped.

 

“I told him about Arthur.”

 

Oh. Lancelot had not managed a full debrief before the call. No doubt Harry would now be peppering her with all kinds of questions.

 

“I dun' know why, I figured he knew. It didn't feel right, knowing more than Harry did about the situation.”

 

In lieu of Harry, Eggsy seemed determined to speak through every matter of internal conflict with Merlin. Guidance was not something Eggsy sought from just anyone. Merlin was one of the people he saved the world with, which made him one of the few he trusted. This wasn't a situation where he could tell him to come back later, not if he expected to maintain that trust.

 

“No one here is omniscient, and all knights, barring Arthur, hold the same position, same rank, as each other. Were the two of you to actually serve at the table together, you would have to get used to being colleagues. Same access, same knowledge. He might have sponsored you, but that wouldn't make you subordinate to him.”

 

Of course, the emotional bond tended to never fade, and often the student-teacher dynamic managed to linger, even after equal footing was granted both. Still, no Kingsman answered to anyone other than Arthur.

 

“Will Harry come back? As an agent, I mean.”

 

“Right now, that is entirely up to Harry.”

 

“You lot actually retire?”

 

Eggsy seemed to have forgotten that he was a part off that lot. “Some.”

 

“Would you be happier if he did retire?”

 

Persistent boy. His tenacity was to be applauded. “Yes, I would.”

 

-

 

Roxy had never spent time with the previous Galahad. She had no compare and contrast for the man before her now, and who he was before Valentine shot him. The only noticeable change she could safely pinpoint, having at the very least seen him before, was that he was thinner. Great physical trauma, being bedridden, and being unable to take solid foods, would do that to a person. He was thin, and he was quiet. Which also likely had to do with his jaw being wired shut.

 

She wished she had something to tell Eggsy other than _quiet and thin._

 

The medical staff surrounded him when she landed, carting Harry off almost before he could finish signing his last message to her. Eggsy was at her side, smiling, just as she promised Harry she would tell Merlin. Eggsy put his arm around her as his mentor was carted off, and winced through his smile.

 

“What did you do?”

 

“What?” He pulled away from her, and was unable to hide his grimace.

 

“Eggsy.”

 

“Bruised some ribs. I'm fine. What was that, with Harry?”

 

Bruised some ribs? She had been so worried about the older man, she had completely neglected the thought that Eggsy could hurt himself, all on his own. He hadn't gone anywhere in her absence, as far as she knew, what the hell had he done around HQ that had gotten his ribs bruised?

 

“He was asking for someone. Do you know where Merlin is?”

 

“Lab.”

 

She started forward, but Eggsy did not join her. Roxy paused, turning to see him, still watching the doors Harry had been taken through. “Come on. I'm sure he wouldn't want you to watch him getting poked and prodded.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

They walked to the lab in silence, and she tried not to send Eggsy too many concerned looks. She had brought Harry home, under what could really only be the best of circumstances. His quiet was unusual, but so was Merlin's absence from her return. Seeing as he was currently their de facto leader, Roxy was surprised he hadn't been there to receive Harry. Surely as someone who acted as handler for most of the agents, he would want to be there when one of them returned home?

 

She knocked on the lab door and would have waited had Eggsy not barreled past her and gone inside.

 

“He's home!”

 

Roxy was fairly certain she saw Merlin twitch. She closed the door behind her and tried not to smile at Eggsy's enthusiasm. Be professional. That had been the gist of Gareth's advice before leaving for Downing Street. “He's been taken to the medical wing. No problems during transport.”

 

Merlin turned away from his monitor at the sound of her voice, focusing on her rather than acknowledging Eggsy. “That's good.”

 

“He was asking for someone when we got off the jet.”

 

“Oh?”

 

Eggsy's focus jumped between her, and Merlin's growing curiosity.

 

She suddenly felt a little silly, hopefully she hadn't misinterpreted and was about to make a fool of herself. “He asked for someone named Jim.”

 

He grimaced, not the response she had been expected. The silence stretched on and Merlin's displeasure seemed to morph into worry. Eggsy opened his mouth, impatience almost get the better of him, but Roxy saw his hand brush against his side. He closed his mouth without bothering with whatever it was he was going to say. Her eyes narrowed. _Merlin_ wasn't the cause of his bruised ribs, was he? What had happened while she had been away?

 

Merlin sighed, running one hand across his scalp. “He's asking for me.”

 

Roxy just stared at him, but Eggsy couldn't keep quiet.

 

"Wait, your name's Jim?"

 

Merlin didn't even look at him. “Jim Prideaux.”

 

“Are you even really Scottish?”

 

Roxy would have hit Eggsy, but luckily for him, he was across the room, and she didn't want to damage his healing ribs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You sir are one to talk, going by _Eggsy_ 'n all... Finally getting into some new content come the next chapter. Yay.


	4. Chapter 4

After being sent away by Merlin, _really, what kind of fucking name was Jim_ , Eggsy had let his feet wander where they may. He wasn't exactly surprised that he ended up at the dorms. It was the most familiar place to him, though it wasn't really a comfort at the moment. Harry was home, and the joy at learning the man was alive, and finally seeing him again with his own eyes, was tempered, somewhat.

 

Speaking with him had put a lot of things at ease, but he still had other questions on his mind. Mainly, what the fuck Eggsy was doing at Kingsman. _Save the world_ was a very clear goal, as was _avenge Harry._ Neither applied now. Merlin's admission that he would rather see Harry retire than take up another post also nagged at him. Along with the fact he had shot Harry _in the fucking head_ some years ago.

 

He was so caught up in his thoughts he didn't realize he was no longer alone. Eggsy chalked it up to all his training that he didn't jump out of his chair in surprise when the door clicked shut.

 

“Are you going to tell me what happened between you and Merlin?”

 

“How-” Eggsy shook his head, more impressed than surprised.

 

Roxy smiled, and he returned the gesture. It was considerably more difficult to think of the words to answer her properly. He chewed his lip, wanting something more articulate than the bumbling apology he had given Merlin. He had no reason to apologize to Roxy, but it was still a confusing thing he had to express.

 

He decided to start with the simplest question on his mind. “Why'd you do it?”

 

“Do what?” She turned the chair next to him, straddling it so she could rest her forearms on its back. It was something he had only ever see her do around him when they were alone. He used to think she did it because she thought it would make her more approachable to him. He had since learned she did it because she didn't feel pressured into being absolutely proper all the time in his presence.

 

“Why'd you shoot your dog?”

 

Roxy blinked. She hadn't let his first question surprise her, and obviously she wasn't going to let this one confuse her. “Because I had to.”

 

He frowned. “But you didn't.”

 

“No,” she agreed, drawing the word out a moment. “I didn't, but I had to.”

 

“That doesn't make any sense.” Was everything a fucking riddle these days?

 

Roxy paused, obviously taking the time to choose her words. “I did not have to shoot my dog, but I had to do it if I wanted the job.”

 

He scrubbed his face with his hands. His chest ached when he moved his arms too much. “That simple?”

 

“Of course not.”

 

That gave him pause, and he looked back at her. He half expected that amused, half-admonishing smile she had worn when she told him JB wasn't a bulldog. She wasn't smiling, in fact, she looked quite more serious than he had seen her in a long while. Roxy was always professional, but seriousness wasn't always there. Normally there was amusement pinched in the corner of her eyes, or a quiet rage between her brow like when she spoke against Charlie, but neither were on her face now.

 

“I did it because I believed there was a reason to do it.”

 

Were they just going to go in circles all day? “To get the job?”

 

She shook her head. “I wanted the job because I believed in that reason.”

 

“What reason?” And damn it if he wasn't going to get a straight answer out of someone soon or else go spare.

 

“I don't know what it was, I just had to trust that Kingsman had one.”

 

“But they didn't. Arthur was just a lying bastard.”

 

“Chester King might have been Arthur, Eggsy, but he wasn't Kingsman. Not the organization. I believe in what Kingsman does, so I trusted their reasoning for asking me to shoot my dog.”

 

Was it that simple? A test of blind trust? Of devotion? What were they, a fuckin' cult? They isolated them for months, stripping them down like in basic, and gave tactical training; Eggsy supposed a cult really wasn't that far off the mark. Brainwashing their fresh faced recruits out of college had its risks, but the educated tended to be pretty fuckin' stupid a lot of the time anyway. They also had tradition and etiquette to back them up, and that tended to help in keeping old blood and money from getting too out of hand.

 

Was that why Harry had put his name forward? His father's? To break the agency from complacency, blind devotion? Then why had he been so fucking pissed when he had failed to shoot JB? What kind of changes had he expected him to bring if not a change away from that?

 

Apparently weary of the tangent, Roxy pulled him back on course to her original question. “Now, what does this have to do with Merlin?”

 

Eggsy chewed his lip a moment. It wasn't like he was giving up confidence. “He shot Harry.”

 

“Eggsy-”

 

“Not at the church. Before.” He hadn't lost his mind, wasn't suddenly blaming Merlin for what happened. Well, a small part of him did. A small part of him also blamed Harry, even before Merlin had listed the various ways the situation might have ended differently. Having been told that it was okay to feel that way was a bit of a mixed bag for him at the moment, considering the man who had said it.

 

“Before? When- He's actually survived being shot in the head before? Gawain was being literal?”

 

Gawain was the bastard's name. It would have come in handy a lot sooner. “Merlin shot him Rox, on orders.” He stared her in the eyes, trying to imagine putting a bullet there. “A friend. He shot a friend on orders.”

 

She believed in Kingsman enough to trust them for having a perfectly valid reason for her wanting to shoot her dog. Would she willing pull the trigger on him? She had held a gun on him once, though he hadn't given much thought to whether or not she would shoot. The count down to the end of the world had been a bit more pressing on his mind at the time. He hadn't even had time to give the encounter a second thought.

 

Vote or no, was Eggsy's inability to trust so absolutely keeping him from being a proper agent? Knowing what the missing element was, did he even fucking want to be?

 

“I-” Her voice faltered, and her hands tightened on the back of her chair.

 

She looked as lost as he felt, but rather than lash out or wallow, she straightened her shoulders. Apparently a crisis of faith was something she felt prepared to take head on. Eggsy almost envied her.

 

“I believe in Kingsman. I believe in its agents. I think I could only ever fire upon one if I believed- if I _knew_ , that they were no longer an agent.”

 

Damn, maybe having conviction had its perks.

 

“Eggsy, you're my best friend.” The admission didn't embarrass her, he knew that look from training, when she had tried to apologize for her initial refusal to jump out of the plane for their test. It did make her something though, it made her sound vulnerable.

 

He opened his mouth, ready to reassure her that she was his too, but something in her tone made him pause. She had said  _best_ in a way that made him think  _only_ . When he had asked her to warn his mum and protect his sister, had she anyone to call?

 

“You're my best friend,” the repetition and his silent acceptance of that fact seemed to bolster her, “and you're a man with astounding integrity and compassion. You're what I think of when I think of this organization. What it is, or maybe what it should be. If there ever comes a time where you do not stand with them, then I would question their reasons.”

 

Her words left Eggsy's throat dry and a heavy silence between them. He felt better and worse all at once. To hear someone speak so earnestly, and so highly of him, was still a new feeling to him. It was welcome, it was rewarding in a way he hadn't thought to experience. But the idea that something he thought or did could so completely change someone's life, make them walk away from something they had fought so hard for, was daunting.

 

He wanted to throw some levity into the situation, maybe tease her about what she thought of Kingsman. They were spies after all, what did integrity and compassion have to do with that? But maybe Roxy saw what he was having trouble seeing, a shield, a protector, the Kingsmen standing on the front, holding back destruction.

 

When they had told him to shoot his dog they had lost that. Harry had brought the potential of it back, telling him it had been a ruse, but they had still abused his trust.

 

Trust really was at the heart of it then. He had to trust these people. Trust that Merlin had a damn good reason for doing what he had done. Trust that Harry hadn't made a mistake in believing in him, which was as wonderful and as terrifying as Roxy's words to him.

 

She had proven herself honest. He could start there.

 

“Thanks.”

 

She smiled at him, and Eggsy smiled back.

 

He could trust her.

 

-

 

Being asked for by name seemed a cheap move. It was not as if his given name was some jealously guarded secret, but it was reserved for a small number of people to use. Merlin enjoyed his privacy, his separation from work and personal life. It was a hard won factor during his tenure as a Kingsman, made no small feat by the messy personal drama that had preceded his acceptance into the agency.

 

Having Harry ask for him that way, via Roxy no less, put things he best felt ought not be public on display. It also made him a touch guilty. Had his silence towards Harry been so bad? Had he hurt him in another way by trying to shield him from his turbulent emotions?

 

Even after he sent Eggsy and Roxy away, he did not immediately set out for the medical wing. He honestly had work to do, and Harry would still be getting settled by the medical staff. They did not need an audience when they saw each other again, especially if Harry was asking after _Jim._

 

When he did pull himself away from his monitors and headed towards medical, that anxious mix of anger and something else returned to him.

 

Oh _God,_ what if he stayed? After all of this what if he stayed? What if he had to-

 

-Merlin squeezed his eyes shut. He did not need to go jumping to any conclusions. His recent admission to Eggsy was not making things any easier. Voicing his wishes seemed the prime way to get the universe to go about the opposite path. Harry Hart retire. As if that man would ever stop until he was forced.

 

He had half a mind to call Eggsy, see if he was hovering inside Harry's room, but that was just another excuse to delay. Merlin wrapped on the door with knuckles out of habit, pausing for a breath before stepping in.

 

The room was empty off staff and Eggsy, the only person inhabiting it was Harry. Once more, in too short a time, he was hooked up to monitors, though this time he did not require a breathing tube. The heavy bandages on his face made up for it. He did not look _awful,_ but he did look injured.

 

Merlin hovered on the threshold, hand flexing against the doorknob a moment before he fully stepped inside, closing the door behind him. Harry didn't stir at the disturbance, his traveling must have caught up with him, and he had fallen asleep.

 

Every beat of the heart monitor was a drive towards his agitation, and he fidgeted at the bedside. The bandage on his cheek- _was it the same damn spot?-_ the hollow definition of his cheekbones, the locked structure of his jawline due to wiring, all of it was terribly familiar. All of it was terribly unwanted.

 

The words creaked out of his throat in a hollow rush, growing more intense but no louder. “Did you ask him, the same way you granted me permission? _Did you want to die?_ ”

 

The glasses feed might have captured the shooting, but it did not show Merlin Harry's face. It was a wonderful and a terrible thing to experience the event from his perspective. It also kept Merlin from knowing exactly what had come over him before his fate,  _resignation, hopefulness, acceptance?,_ whatever it could have been, the moment was lost to him.

 

Harry was asleep and did not answer. Which was just as well, as this was exactly what Merlin had wanted to avoid. Getting angry at a man who did not have the strength to defend himself. Who did not need to be punished after the hell he had gone through.

 

Even without getting an answer, asking the question had relieved some kind of pressure in his chest. Left him more worried than enraged. Merlin dropped on to the edge of the bed, not interested in finding a chair or too worried about waking Harry. An IV line told him at least part of his slumber was medical, and the weight of his body on the bed would not wake him.

 

True to his conclusions, the man at his back did not stir. Merlin stared down at his hands, not capable of loosening them from where they clutched at his knees. He no longer needed to be angry to be wound up.

 

He sat in a silent vigil until the first nurse came to check on Harry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I first sat down to fill this prompt, I honestly hadn't intended for Roxy and Eggsy to show up as much as they do. Of course, now I feel I could write about them as BFFs _all the time_ forever and ever.
> 
> I'll see what happens when I try to steer things back towards Harry and Merlin.


End file.
